This has been quite a journey I have been on recently. I guess one could call it the dark night of the soul, but I’d rather look upon it as a terrifying moment of enlightenment. I have been searching for ways to improve on who I am for years now, getting lost within the pages of hundreds of self-help books and embarking on a quest for higher consciousness and understanding. This quest has continued faithfully and yet I had to stop and ask myself the other day, ” Why is there something wrong with me needing fixing in the first place?”
I don’t see it as something being wrong really or so I thought. I have been on the journey of watching my life’s savings fade away, slowly at first, but then as prices kept going higher it all sped up. I mean warp speed as dimes and nickels trickled away like sand in an hour-glass. It seemed every avenue I tried to go down to find a way out of the nightmare I was in, failed. I kept trying to focus on the positive, which when you are stone cold broke is not an easy thing to do, I tried having FAITH that all will be well. I reached out to all of the usual spiritual practices I turn to, but still I could feel the massive pressure of trying to go against the flow I was trying to avoid.
The other day I had to apply again for social security retirement aid, which I have been denied now about five times, but I am thinking the tide is turning now, which direction it is turning in I still don’t know, but the usual denial I get via mail was instead asking for more detail information this time. That gives me hope. I could use the help until I can create a career in the months ahead and become totally self-sufficient one day. That is my dream. The resistance I was encountering I believe now was forcing me to remain in place and face who I really was before moving on. When I had enough money to live as I was doing, I now realize that time was spent living with a stranger of sorts. The money allowed me to continue the lie of who I was. The sudden slap of no more money has forced me to fully experience the weight of what is going on.
It was incredibly humiliating asking for assistance, sitting in offices with other exposed low-income people and suddenly realizing that is who I had become. I am a far cry from where I came from, living in the comfort of a Physician’s household. I am the last of that family and what do I have to show for it? It was a very frozen life I existed in, I was great at hiding from the truth of what I saw and experienced growing up, or so I thought. It has actually haunted me many times over my whole life. And I hid from it. It eventually did it’s damage on my soul and I veered off the path of who my soul wanted me to become and began living in the frozen world of Narnia where everything was safe one might say, but empty and cold.
I realized finally that I had to accept who I was and what I was, before I could move forward and go higher. I had to learn to crawl before I walked. Yes my life’s traumas injured my abilities to create the life I probably wanted up until now. Having been beaten down for so long it was so hard to see a way up and out. Now I see it begins with accepting who I really am, someone now on assistance, someone growing older, and even lacking life skills from having lived in Narnia for so long. Now it is time to thaw out and accept that wonderful soul and help her find a life of fulfillment. I have the choice to live this frozen way or find a way up and out through acceptance. I choose the latter. What an incredible feeling to be able to finally come face to face with me and accept that being as she is, not how I think she should be. Rich or poor, young or old, I am still me. It’s just good to be home.